1、（Shenyang, the waiter, enters.）Shenyang Sorry, sir. Were of high class here. We dont take on stuff from street peddlers.Uncle Zhao Were your customers. Dont we look like it?Shenyang Not quite.re gonna have an important meal here, miss.Shenyang Dont you call me a miss. Im a man - from the inside out.
2、Uncle Zhao Then how cme you wearin a skirt? Shenyang Why, its mens wear in Scottish style. See, its no skirt but Capri pants. Look at this, look. Oh, damn it, I didnt get into one of the trousers in a hurry. No wonder I feel different while walking. Uncle Zhao Leave that trouser for tomorrow, hah! I
3、 tell you, boy, were gonna have a damn important guest here in a minute. You should do you best.Shenyang No problem.Uncle Zhao How much does a meal cost here if we get at it like mad?Shenyang Why so / Whats wrong?Uncle Zhao I mean if we order nothin but the best.Shenyang About 10,000 to 20,000.Uncle
4、 Zhao Whut if smebody eats today and pays tomorrow?Shenyang Youll give me an IOU?Uncle Zhao Not that. Ive got the money anyway. Take this.Shenyang Whats it?Uncle Zhao A tip for you.Shenyang You do understand people / things / the world, sir - you look cool! Uncle Zhao Whuts a hundred yuan to me! Sti
5、ll, you aint get it for nothin. When my guest cmes, you put on a show with me. If I order expensive food, you should stop me doin so.Shenyang Like how?Uncle Zhao Showin due respect for my guest, yes. Spendin too much on a meal, no. Whut if I ask for somethin dear?Shenyang Ill say sorry, this we dont
6、 have.Uncle Zhao Youre smart. Cme, heres another 30 yuan.m not gonna cheat you when it comes to prices.Uncle Zhao Thank you, boy.Shenyang Nothing much.Yadar Grandpa, Im hungry.Uncle Zhao How muchs a bowl of noodles?Shenyang 78 yuan.Uncle Zhao Whut noodles can be so expensive?Shenyang Scottish sauced
7、 noodles.Uncle Zhao Does the sauce cost much, too?Shenyang Its free.Uncle Zhao Get us a bowl of sauce, so we can see whether the tastes right. Quick.Shenyang Thats no way to serve a meal, sir.Uncle Zhao You think so only becuse I didnt show up here before. Now its time to make sme change.Shenyang （t
8、o himself） Had I said the noodles are free, he wouldve asked for noodles. （Exits）Uncle Zhao （to Yadar） Listen here, Yadar. When Mr. Bi from CCTVs Starlight Broadway cmes, you must show you best, OK? Its the best opportnity for you own future. Grandpas been preparin you over the past 40-plus years.Ya
9、dar Grandpa, see how old I am now.Uncle Zhao I prepared you daddy for 30 extra years. Though he aint good enough, hes the chief of the townships cultural center. So you really should outdo him. Can you make it or not?Yadar I can.Uncle Zhao Swear if youre serious.Yadar The Yangtze River like the Hong
10、 waters rolls on and on,Each wave behind higher than the one at the front.Young people are born to challenge their elders;Ill beach my daddy like. like a wrecked old ship.Uncle Zhao Good for you / Well said!（Shenyang enters again.）Shenyang Heres the sauce for you.Uncle Zhao （to Yadar） Eat this, so y
11、ou wont be too hungry.Yadar Grandpa, its a bit salty.Uncle Zhao （to Shenyang） Fetch her sme water to drink.Shenyang You mean free water?Uncle Zhao Just plain boiled water, you miser.（Bi Fujian, MC / anchorman of CCTVs Starlight Broadway program, enters.）Shenyang Why, arent you that one - Zhujun! Oh
12、sorry. Bai Yansong? Oh no. Or a Bi something! Are you Mr. Bi?CCTV Man Im Bi Fujian. Shenyang Come here everyone, its Mr. Bi here. （To CCTV Man） Why are you hanging out here, sir? Hurry up! Come here! He can go elsewhere at any minute.Uncle Zhao Whut the hells going on? Anythin to be so fussy abut? Y
13、oure being hounded by a wolf?Shenyang Hes Mr. Bi.Uncle Zhao I know, an hes the guest Im honored to keep compny today.Shenyang Gosh, can I have a picture taken with you, Mr. Bi?Uncle Zhao （to Shenyang） Wait, wait. （To CCTV Man） Welcme, Mr. Bi.CCTV Man Nice to meet you.Uncle Zhao Ive been waitin all t
14、his time for you.CCTV Man Thanks a lot really. May I have your name please?Uncle Zhao Which man did you expect to see?m looking for Zhao Tiezhu, chief of Lotus Townships cultural center.Uncle Zhao You got it. Heres his daddy and Im.Yadar Zhao Tiezhu is my daddy.Uncle Zhao Anm Tiezhus daddy. Arent yo
15、u lookin for a dad. I mean its right to be looking my way.CCTV Man Hi, daddy. I mean buddy. So wheres your son? Uncle Zhao Hes at the township waitin for you. Local government officials all lining up, too, to pay their pious respects to you. With enormous care theyve prepared a great hall, a big roo
16、m, with a large photo of you hung in the middle. Flowers all around.CCTV Man Whatre the colors of the flowers, buddy? Uncle Zhao Theyre all in white and yellow. Lots of folks waiting for you with signature pens in hands, tears spillin all over.CCTV Man Whys that?Uncle Zhao Theyre excited.CCTV Man Le
17、ts go there, then.Uncle Zhao The center asked me to feast you here in town first. How abut that?CCTV Man Why here?Uncle Zhao Here weve got the best restaurant in Tieling. Do cme this way please.CCTV Man But Ive had my meal on the plane.re my guest, so please follow my arrangements.Shenyang A picture
18、 of the two of us, please.CCTV Man （to Shenyang） Youre. a male waiter?Shenyang Yup.CCTV Man You look awfully, awfully sweet, boy. Uncle Zhao I, too, took him to be a woman when I first came. How funny he is dressin up like this? Sit down here. Did you enjoy your trip?CCTV Man Yes, quite.Uncle Zhao W
19、e mus be fellow townsmen.CCTV Man Are we?Uncle Zhao Aint you from Dalian?CCTV Man Sure.Uncle Zhao Which part?CCTV Man Old Turtle Bend.Uncle Zhao Where her mummys daddy used to live, too. So were even relatives.CCTV Man （to Yadar） Whats his name?Yadar Bi Menting.CCTV Man Your grandpa must be good at
20、playing mahjong.Uncle Zhao Why?CCTV Man The name sounds like a mahjong term.Uncle Zhao That matches you nickname Bi Mengpao, as youre a mahjong man youself.小品：“不差钱”（2009年中央电视台春节联欢晚会节目）编创者 崔凯 等表演者 赵本山、沈鹤、毕福剑、王金凤（毛毛）（舞台上是一个餐厅的背景，写着：“苏格兰情调”。本山大叔穿着中山装，身上背着一串蒜头，手上拿着野鸡，拉着毛毛上场。）赵本山：到了。毛毛： 到了。赵本山：这就是铁岭最贵的一家
21、饭店。这不，苏格兰调情（tio qng）。 爷爷，你念反了，苏格兰情调（qng dio）。啊，情调？就搁这儿吃。 爷爷，这家老贵的啦。贵？咱带钱了，带三万多块，那包呢？ 我没拿包啊。装钱那包，黄包。 完了，让我落炕上了。我说，你这孩子还能办点事吗？！这给你办事，落炕上了还。兜里还有钱吗？ 兜里，多少钱哪才？才70多块钱。我还有400。行，够了。 这也不能够啊。哎呀，够不够就这样了。服务员！（小沈阳上）小沈阳：对不起大爷，我们这是高档酒店，不收农副产品。不是，我们是吃饭的。妈呀，吃饭的？不像啊？不太像。我说姑娘啊，这顿饭非常重要。妈呀，你管谁叫姑娘呢，人家是纯爷们。咋这么个打扮，还穿个裙子呢。这
22、是按我们苏格兰风格来包装的。再说也不是裙子啊，这不七分裤吗。你看，是有腿的哦。妈呀，着急穿跑偏了。妈呀，我说走道咋没有裆呢。行了，那条腿留明儿个穿，哈哈哈。小伙子我跟你说呀，今天我要请一位重要客人吃饭，你一定要招待好。呃，没问题。来来来，我问问你，你们这个酒店，如果要急头白脸吃一顿，得多少钱？咋还吃急眼了呢？我意思就是，最贵的都点上。得一、两万的。一、两万？啊，那啥，有没有这种情况，今儿个吃完了，明儿个来结账？打白条儿啊？不是啊，不是打白条，不差钱，有钱。喏。啥意思？小费。妈呀，大爷你真敞亮，你太帅了。给一百块钱还帅呢。我跟你说这不白给啊。一会儿客人到了，你一定要给足我面子，明白吗？我到点菜的
23、时候，你得替我兜着点。咋兜呢？既把面子给了，但是呢又不能花得.太狠。我要点贵菜.我就说没有呗。哎呀妈呀，你太厉害了。来来来，拿点。再给你30，来。我跟你都明码的哦。谢谢。放心吧。 爷爷，我有点饿了。饿了？来碗面条。呃，78一碗。啥面？这么贵。苏格兰打卤面。是不是卤子贵？卤不要钱。那就来碗卤子，先尝尝咸淡。快去，快去。妈呀，没这么上过呀。那是我没来，我要来，你早就这么上了。去吧去吧。这老爷子，我要说面条不要钱，要面条了你还。赵本山：来，站起来。跟你说，一会儿星光大道的毕老师来了，你一定要给我争个脸，好不？这是人生最好的一次机会，知道吗？爷爷培养了你，都已经四十多年了。 爷爷，我才多大。我还培养你
24、爸三十多年呢。这不，你爸那是个半成品，我都给培养成文化站站长了。你一定要超过他，有决心吗？ 有。表一下决心。 我指定：洪湖水，浪打浪，长江后浪推前浪，一浪更比一浪强，把我爹拍在沙滩上！有志向。哎，来了。来，先把这卤子喝了，这孩子饿了。 爷爷，有点咸了。没事，给她整碗水去。免费的水，不是？白开水就行。真够抠的。（毕福剑上） 哟，你不是那谁吗，你是那个.蒙住了。朱军？不是朱军。白岩松？不是。老毕.你是毕老师吗？毕福剑：我姓毕。哎呀我的妈呀，毕老师来了。你咋出来了呢？哎呀我的妈呀，快来人啊，毕老师，一会儿该跑了。干啥，吵吵巴火的，让狼撵了咋的？毕老师.我知道，这就是我要请的客人。哎呀我的妈呀，毕老师，你给我照个相呗！赵本山: 你先等一会儿。刚到是吧？刚到，刚到。我在这儿等半天了。你好你好。请问您是.？你找谁？我找莲花乡文化站站长赵铁柱。找对了，这就是赵铁柱的爹，我是. 赵铁柱是我爹。我是赵铁柱的爹。你不是找爹吗？啊不，找就对了。
