Haircut.docx
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- 上传时间:2023-06-29
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Haircut.docx
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Haircut
Haircut
RingLardner
1.IgotanotherbarberthatcomesoverfromCartervilleandhelpsmeoutSaturdays,buttherestofthetimeIcangetalongallrightalone.Youcanseeforyourselfthatthisain'tnoNewYorkCityandbesidesthat,themostoftheboysworksalldayanddon'thavenoleisuretodropinhereandgetthemselvesprettiedup.
2.You'reanewcomer,ain'tyou?
IthoughtIhadn'tseenyouroundbefore.Ihopeyoulikeitgoodenoughtostay.AsIsay,weain'tnoNewYorkCityorChicago,butwehaveprettygoodtimes.Notasgood,though,sinceJimKendallgotkilled.Whenhewasalive,himandHodMeyersusedtokeepthistowninanuproar.Ibettheywasmorelaughin'doneherethananytownitssizeinAmerica.
3.Jimwascomical,andHodwasprettynearamatchforhim.SinceJim'sgone,Hodtriestoholdhisendupjustthesameasever,butit'stoughgoin'whenyouain'tgotnobodytokindofworkwith.
4.TheyusedtobeplentyfuninhereSaturdays.ThisplaceisjampackedSaturdays,fromfouro'clockon.JimandHodwouldshowuprightaftertheirsupperroundsixo'clock.Jimwouldsethimselfdowninthatbigchair,nearestthebluespittoon.Whoeverhadbeensettin'inthatchair,whythey'dgetupwhenJimcomeinandat"ittohim.
5.You'dofthoughtitwasareservedseatliketheyhavesometimesinatheatre.HodwouldgenerallyalwaysstandorwalkupanddownorsomeSaturdays,ofcourse,he'dbesettin'inthischairpartofthetime,gettin'ahaircut.
6.Well,Jimwouldsetthereaw'ilewithoutopeninghismouthonlytospit,andthenfinallyhe'dsaytome,"Whitey,"--myrightname,thatis,myrightfirstname,isDick,buteverybodyroundherecallsmeWhitey--Jimwouldsay,"Whitey,yournoselookslikearosebudtonight.Youmustofbeendrinkin'someofyourawdecologne."
7.SoI'dsay,"No,Jim,butyoulooklikeyou'dbeendrinkin'somethingofthatkindorsomethin'worse."
8.Jimwouldhavetolaughatthat,butthenhe'dspeakupandsay,"No,Iain'thadnothin'todrink,butthatain'tsayin'Iwouldn'tlikesomethin'.Iwouldn'tevenmindifitwaswoodalcohol."
9.ThenHodMeyerswouldsay,"Neitherwouldyourwife."Thatwouldseteverybodytolaughin'becauseJimandhiswifewasn'tonverygoodterms.She'dofdivorcedhimonlytheywasn'tnochancetogetalimonyandshedidn'thavenowaytotakecareofherselfandthekids.Shecouldn'tneverunderstandJim.Hewaskindofrough,butagoodfellaatheart.
10.HimandHodhadallkindsofsportwithMiltSheppard.Idon'tsupposeyou'veseenMilt.Well,he'sgotanAdam'sapplethatlooksmorelikeamush-melon.SoI'dbeshavin'MiltandwhenI'dstarttoshavedownhereonhisneck,Hodwouldholler,"Hey,Whitey,waitaminute!
Beforeyoucutintoit,let'smakeupapoolandseewhocanguessclosesttothenumberofseeds."
11.AndJimwouldsay,"IfMilthadn'tofbeensohoggish,he'doforderedahalfacantaloupeinsteadofawholeoneanditmightnotofstuckinhisthroat."
12.AlltheboyswouldroaratthisandMilthimselfwouldforceasmile,thoughthejokewasonhim.Jimcertainlywasacard!
13.There'shisshavin'mug,settingontheshelf,rightnexttoCharleyVail's."CharlesM.Vail."That'sthedruggist.Hecomesinregularforhisshave,threetimesaweek.AndJim'sisthecupnexttoCharley's."damesH.Kendall."Jimwon'tneednoshavin'mugnomore,butI'llleaveittherejustthesameforoldtime'ssake.Jimcertainlywasacharacter!
14.Yearsago,JimusedtotravelforacannedgoodsconcernoverinCarterville.Theysoldcannedgoods.JimhadthewholenorthernhalfoftheStateandwasontheroadfivedaysoutofeveryweek.He'ddropinhereSaturdaysandtellhisexperiencesforthatweek.Itwasrich.
15.Iguesshepaidmoreattentiontoplayin'jokesthanmakin'sales.Finallytheconcernlethimoutandhecomerighthomehereandtoldeverybodyhe'dbeenfiredinsteadofsayin'he'dresignedlikemostfellaswouldof.
16.ItwasaSaturdayandtheshopwasfullandJimgotupoutofthatchairandsays,"Gentlemen,Igotanimportantannouncementtomake.Ibeenfiredfrommyjob."
17.Well,theyaskedhimifhewasinearnestandhesaidhewasandnobodycouldthinkofnothin'tosaytillJimfinallybroketheicehimself.Hesays,"Ibeensellin'cannedgoodsandnowI'mcannedgoodsmyself.
18.Yousee,theconcernhe'dbeenworkin'forwasafactorythatmadecannedgoods.OverinCarterville.AndnowJimsaidhewascannedhimself.Hewascertainlyacard!
19.Jimhadagreattrickthatheusedtoplayw'ilehewastravelin'.Forinstance,he'dberidin'onatrainandthey'dcometosomelittletownlike,well,like,well,like,we'llsay,likeBenton.Jimwouldlookoutthetrainwindowandreadthesignsofthestores.
20.Forinstance,they'dbeasign,"HenrySmith,DryGoods."Well,Jimwouldwritedownthenameandthenameofthetownandwhenhegottowhereverhewasgoin'he'dmailbackapostalcardtoHenrySmithatBentonandnotsignnonametoit,buthe'dwriteonthecard,wellsomethin'like"Askyourwifeaboutthatbookagentthatspenttheafternoonlastweek,"or"AskyourMissuswhokeptherfromgettin'lonesomethelasttimeyouwasinCarterville."Andhe'dsignthecard,"AFriend."
21.Ofcourse,heneverknewwhatreallycomeofnoneofthesejokes,buthecouldpicturewhatprobablyhappenedandthatwasenough.
22.Jimdidn'tworkverysteadyafterhelosthispositionwiththeCartervillepeople.Whathedidearn,coin'oddjobsroundtownwhyhespentprettynearallofitongin,andhisfamilymightofstarvedifthestoreshadn'tofcarriedthemalong.Jim'swifetriedherhandatdressmakin',buttheyain'tnobodygoin'togetrichmakin'dressesinthistown.
23.AsIsay,she'dofdivorcedJim,onlysheseenthatshecouldn'tsupportherselfandthekidsandshewasalwayshopin'thatsomedayJimwouldcutouthishabitsandgivehermorethantwoorthreedollarsaweek.
24.Theywasatimewhenshewouldgotowhoeverhewasworkin'forandaskthemtogiveherhiswages,butaftershedonethisonceortwice,hebeathertoitbyborrowin'mostofhispayinadvance.Hetolditallroundtown,howhehadoutfoxedhisMissus.Hecertainlywasacaution!
25.Buthewasn'tsatisfiedwithjustoutwittin'her.Hewassorethewayshehadacted,tryin'tograboffhispay.Andhemadeuphismindhe'dgeteven.Well,hewaitedtillEvans'sCircuswasadvertisedtocometotown.Thenhetoldhiswifeandtwokiddiesthathewasgoin'totakethemtothecircus.Thedayofthecircus,hetoldthemhewouldgettheticketsandmeetthemoutsidetheentrancetothetent.
26.Well,hedidn'thavenointentionsofbein'thereorbuyin'ticketsornothin'.HegotfullofginandlaidroundWright'spoolroomallday.Hiswifeandthekidswaitedandwaitedandofcoursehedidn'tshowup.Hiswifedidn'thaveadimewithher,ornowhereelse,Iguess.Soshefinallyhadtotellthekidsitwasalloffandtheycriedliketheywasn'tnevergoin'tostop.
27.Well,itseems,w'iletheywascryin',DocStaircomealongandheaskedwhatwasthematter,butMrs.Kendallwasstubbornandwouldn'ttellhim,butthekidstoldhimandheinsistedontakin'themandtheirmotherintheshow.JimfoundthisoutafterwardsanditwasonereasonwhyhehaditinforDocStair.
28.DocStaircomehereaboutayearandahalfago.He'samightyhandsomeyoungfellaandhisclothesalwayslooklikehehasthemmadetoorder.HegoestoDetroittwoorthreetimesayearandw'ilehe'stheremusthaveatailortakehismeasureandthenmakehimasuittoorder.Theycostprettyneartwiceasmuch,buttheyfitawholelotbetterthanifyoujustboughttheminastore.
29.Foraw'ileeverybodywaswonderin'whyayoungdoctorlikeDocStairshouldcometoatownlikethiswherewealreadygotoldDocGambleandDocFootethat'sbothbeenhereforyearsandallthepracticeintownwasalwaysdividedbetweenthetwoofthem.
30.ThentheywasastorygotroundthatDocStair'sgalhadthrongedhimover,agalupintheNorthernPeninsulasomewhere,andthereasonhecomeherewastohidehimselfawayandforgetit.Hesaidhimselfthathethoughttheywasn'tnothin'likegeneralpracticeinaplacelikeourstofitamantobeagoodallrounddoctor.Andthat'swhyhe'dcame.
31.Anyways,itwasn'tlongbeforehewasmakin'enoughtoliveon,thoughtheytellmethatheneverdunnednobodyforwhattheyowedhim,andthefolksherecertainlyhasgottheowin'habit,eveninmybusiness.IfIhadallthatwascomin'tomeforjustshavesalone,IcouldgotoCartervilleandputupattheMercerforaweekandseeadifferentpictureeverynight.Forinstance,they'soldGeorgePurdy--butIguessIshouldn'toughttobegossipin'.
32.Well,lastyear,ourcoronerdied,diedoftheflu.KenBeatty,thatwashisname.Hewasthecoroner.SotheyhadtochooseanothermantobecoronerinhisplaceandtheypickedDocStair.Helaughedatfirstandsaidhedidn'twantit,buttheymadehimtakeit.Itain'tnojobthatanybodywouldfightforandwhatamanmakesoutofitinayearwouldjustaboutbuyseedsfortheirgarden.Doc'sthekind,though,thatcan'tsaynotonothin'ifyoukeepathimlongenough.
33.ButIwasgoin'totellyouaboutapoorboywegothereintown-PaulDickson.Hefelloutofatreewhenhewasabouttenyearsold.Litonhisheadanditdonesomethin'tohimandheain'tneverbeenright.Noharminhim,butjustsilly.JimKendallusedtocallhimcuckoo;that'sanameJimhadforanybodythatwasofftheirhead,onlyhecalledpeople'sheadtheirbean.Thatwasanotherofhisgags,callin'headbeanandcallin'crazypeoplecuckoo.OnlypoorPaul
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