Mothers Day Humour.docx
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Mothers Day Humour.docx
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MothersDayHumour
Mother’sDayHumour
WecelebratetheMother'sDaytoshowhonorandrespecttooneofthemostinfluentialpersonsinourlives.Weallhavespentmostformativeyearsofourliveswithourmothersandsharedalljoyandsorrows.Suchisthegreatnessofourmomthatshealwaystriestomakeusfeelhappyevenintimesofdistress.ThisoccasionofMother'sDaywouldbecomemoreenjoyableifweaddsomeflavorofhumortoit.
"Thehandthatrocksthecradleusuallyisattachedtosomeonewhoisn'tgettingenoughsleep."-JohnFiebig
"I'dliketobetheidealmother,butI'mtoobusyraisingmykids."-Unknown
Themotherofthreenotoriouslyunrulyyoungsterswasaskedwhetherornotshe'dhavechildrenifshehadittodooveragain."Yes,"shereplied."Butnotthesameones."-DavidFinkelstein
AlittleboyforgothislinesinaSundayschoolpresentation.Hismotherwasinthefrontrowtoprompthim.Shegesturedandformedthewordssilentlywithherlips,butitdidnothelp.Herson'smemorywasblank.Finally,sheleanedforwardandwhisperedthecue,"Iamthelightoftheworld."Thechildbeamedandwithgreatfeelingandaloudclearvoicesaid,"Mymotheristhelightoftheworld."-BitsandPieces,1989
Ateachergaveherclassofsecondgradersalessononthemagnetandwhatitdoes.Thenextdayinawrittentest,sheincludedthisquestion:
"Myfullnamehassixletters.ThefirstoneisM.Ipickupthings.WhatamI?
"Whenthetestpaperswereturnedin,theteacherwasastonishedtofindthatalmost50percentofthestudentsansweredthequestionwiththewordMother-Unknown
Mother’sdayquotes..
Godcouldnotbeeverywhereandthereforehemademothers.
JewishProverb
Beingafull-timemotherisoneofthehighestsalariedjobs...sincethepaymentispurelove.
MildredB.Vermont
Thereisonlyoneprettychildintheworld,andeverymotherhasit.
Unknown
Itismothersdayagain!
Hereisyourchancetoaddaspecialnoteormothersdayquotetoyourcard.Havefunandmakethisdayspecialforaveryspeciallady.
Mothersofteenagersknowwhyanimalseattheiryoung.
AuthorUnknown
Mothersareallslightlyinsane.
J.D.Salinger
IwantmychildrentohaveallthethingsIcouldn'tafford.ThenIwanttomoveinwiththem.
PhyllisDiller
Mothersarefonderthanfathersoftheirchildrenbecausetheyaremorecertaintheyaretheirown.
Aristotle
Ittakesawomantwentyyearstomakeamanofherson,andanotherwomantwentyminutestomakeafoolofhim.
HelenRowland
Singoutloudinthecareven,orespecially,ifitembarrassesyourchildren.
MarilynPenland
Themostremarkablethingaboutmymotheristhatforthirtyyearssheservedthefamilynothingbutleftovers.Theoriginalmealhasneverbeenfound.
CalvinTrillin
Asuburbanmother'sroleistodeliverchildrenobstetricallyonce,andbycarforeverafter.
PeterDeVries
Itwouldseemthatsomethingwhichmeanspoverty,disorderandviolenceeverysingledayshouldbeavoidedentirely,butthedesiretobegetchildrenisanaturalurge.
PhyllisDiller
Allwomenbecomeliketheirmothers.Thatistheirtragedy.Nomandoes.That'shis.
OscarWilde
Amotherisapersonwhoseeingthereareonlyfourpiecesofpieforfivepeople,promptlyannouncessheneverdidcareforpie.
TennevaJordan
Amanloveshissweetheartthemost,hiswifethebest,buthismotherthelongest.
IrishProverb
Youdon'treallyunderstandhumannatureunlessyouknowwhyachildonamerry-go-roundwillwaveathisparentseverytimearound-andwhyhisparentswillalwayswaveback.
WilliamD.Tammeus.
Workingmothersareguineapigsinascientificexperimenttoshowthatsleepisnotnecessarytohumanlife.
AuthorUnknown
Anymothercouldperformthejobsofseveralair-trafficcontrollerswithease.
LisaAlther
Motherloveisthefuelthatenablesanormalhumanbeingtodotheimpossible.
MarionC.Garretty
Mymotherhadtosendmetothemovieswithmybirthcertificate,sothatIwouldn'thavetopaytheextrafiftycentsthattheadultshadtopay.
KareemAbdul-Jabbar
Mymotherhadagreatdealoftroublewithme,butIthinksheenjoyedit.
MarkTwain
Mymother'smenuconsistedoftwochoices:
Takeitorleaveit.
BuddyHackett
FunnyQuotesAboutWomen
"Aslongasawomancanlooktenyearsyoungerthanherowndaughter,sheisperfectlysatisfied."-OscarWilde.
"OneofthereasonsIdon'tseeeyetoeyewithWomen'sLibisthatwomenhaveitallonaplateifonlytheyknewit.Theydon'thavetobeprettyeither."-CharlotteRampling.
"Whenwomenkissitalwaysremindsmeofprizefightersshakinghands."-HLMencken.
"Whenawomanbecomesascholarthereisusuallysomethingwrongwithhersexualorgans."-FriedrichNietzsche
"Natureintendedwomentobeourslaves.Theyareourproperty."-NapoleanBonaparte
"Ifwomendidn'texist,allthemoneyintheworldwouldhavenomeaning."-AristotleOnassis
"Somewomenholdupdressesthataresouglyandtheyalwayssaythesamething:
'Thislooksmuchbetteron.'Onwhat?
Onfire?
"-RitaRudner
"Mostwomenarenotasyoungastheyarepainted."-MaxBeerbohm
"Whenwomengowrong,mengorightafterthem."-MaeWest.
"Womenarenothingbutmachinesforproducingchildren."-NapoleanBonaparte.
"Anarchaeologistisbesthusbandawomancanhave:
theoldershegets,themoreinterestedheisinher."-AgathaChristie
"Womenarelikeelephants.Everyonelikestolookatthembutno-onelikestohavetokeepone."-WCFields
"Whateverwomendotheymustdotwiceaswellasmentobethoughthalfasgood?
Luckily,thisisnotdifficult."-CharlotteWhitton.
"WomencomplainaboutPMS,butIthinkofitastheonlytimeofthemonthwhenIcanbemyself."-RoseanneBarr.
"Awoman'smindiscleanerthanaman's-That'sbecauseshechangesitmoreoften."-OliverHereford
"Mywifeisthesortofwomanwhogivesnecrophilliaabadname."-PatrickMurray
"Whatwouldmenbewithoutwomen?
Scarce,sir,mightyscarce."-MarkTwain.
"AsMissAmerica,mygoalistobringpeacetotheentireworldandthengetmyownapartment."-JayLeno
"Menaresuperiortowomen.Foronething,mencanurinatefromaspeedingcar."-WillDurst
LastweekIstatedthatthiswomanwastheugliestwomanIhadeverseen.Ihavesincebeenvisitedbyhersisterandnowwishtowithdrawthatstatement."-MarkTwain.
"Despitemythirtyyearsofresearchintothefemininesoul,Ihavenotyetbeenabletoanswerthegreatquestionthathasneverbeenanswered:
Whatdoesawomanwant?
"-SigmundFreud
"Whenawomanbehaveslikeaman,whydoesn'tshebehavelikeaniceman?
"-EdithEvans
"Womenshouldhavelabelsontheirforeheadssaying,'GovernmentHealthWarning:
womencanseriouslydamageyourbrains,genitals,currentaccount,confidence,razorblades,andgoodstandingamongyourfriends'."-JeffreyBernard
"NomanknowsmoreaboutwomenthanIdo,andIknownothing."-SeymourHicks
"WhenIhaveonefootinthegrave,Iwilltellthewholetruthaboutwomen.Ishalltellit,jumpintomycoffin,pullthelidovermeandsay,'Dowhatyoulikenow'."-LeoTolstoy
"Womenareanalienracesetdownamongus."-JohnUpdike
MoreQuotes….Mother'sDay
"Themostimportantthingafathercandoforhischildrenistolovetheirmother."-DavidO.McKay
"Amotherisnotapersontoleanon,butapersontomakeleaningunnecessary."-DorothyCanfieldFisher
Creatingawarm,caring,supportive,encouragingenvironmentisprobablythemostimportantthingyoucandoforyourfamily.-StephenCovey
"Mamaexhortedherchildrenateveryopportunityto'jumpatdesun.'Wemightnotlandonthesun,butatleastwewouldgetofftheground."-ZoraNealeHurston
"Godcouldnotbeeverywhereandthereforehemademothers."-JewishProverb
"Thecommonestfallacyamongwomenisthatsimplyhavingchildrenmakesoneamother-whichisasabsurdasbelievingthathavingapianomakesoneamusician."-SydneyHarris
OnMother'sDayaministergavethisperfecttribute:
"MymotherpracticeswhatIpreach."-Capper'sweekly
Callitaclan,callitanetwork,callitatribe,andcallitafamily.Whateveryoucallit,whoeveryouare,youneedone.-JaneHoward
Healthyfamiliesareourgreatestnationalresource.-DoloresCurran
Youthfades;lovedroops;theleavesoffriendshipfall.Amother'ssecretloveoutlivesthemall.-OliverWendellHolmes,Sr.
QuotesBy"Famous"Mothers
AbrahamLincoln'sMom
"Againwiththestovepipehat,Abe?
Can'tyoujustwearabaseballcapliketheotherkids?
"
Barney'sMom
"Irealizestrainedplumsareyourfavorite,Barney,butyou'restartingtolookalittlepurple!
"
Mary'sMom:
"I'mnotupsettheyoulambfollowedyoutoschool,Mary,butIwouldliketoknowhowhegotabettergradethanyou!
"
Batman'sMom:
"It'sanicecar,Bruce,butdoyourealizehowmuchtheinsurancewillbe!
"
Goldilock'sMom:
"I'vegotabillhereforabustedchairfromthebearfamily.YouknowanythingaboutthisGoldie?
"
LittleMissMuffet'sMom:
"Well,allI'vegottosayisifyoudon'tgetofyourtuffetandstartcleaningyourroom,there'llbealotmorespidersaroundhere!
"
AlbertEinstein'sMom:
"But,Albert,it'syourseniorpicture.Can'tyoudosomethingaboutyourhair?
Stylinggel,mousse,something....?
"
GeorgeWashington'sMom:
"ThenexttimeIcatchyouthrowingmoneyacrossthePotomac,youcankissyourallowancegood-bye!
"
Jonah'sMom:
"That'sanicestory,butnowtellmewhereyou'vereallybeenforthepast3days!
"
Superman'sMom:
"Clark,yourfatherandIhavediscussedit,andwe'vedecidedyoucanhaveyourowntelephoneline.Nowwillyouquitspendingsomuchtimeinallthosephonebooths!
"
Thom
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