最新英语段子Word文档下载推荐.docx
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最新英语段子Word文档下载推荐.docx
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heproclaims,"
Someassholehasmypen!
一个医生想从工作服里拿出一支笔来写处方,但是却拿出了一支直肠用体温计。
“哦,该死的”,他叫道,“有个混蛋(肛门)用了我的笔”。
几个黄段子(就不翻译了):
1.Ahusbandandwifearetryingtosetupanewpasswordfortheircomputer.Thehusbandputs,"
Mypenis,"
andthewifefallsonthegroundlaughingbecauseonthescreenitsays,"
Error.Notlongenough."
2.TheteacheraskedJimmy,"
WhyisyourcatatschooltodayJimmy?
Jimmyrepliedcrying,"
BecauseIheardmydaddytellmymommy,'
Iamgoingtoeatthatp*ssyonceJimmyleavesforschooltoday!
3.Amanandwomanhadbeenmarriedfor30years,andinthose30years,theyalwaysleftthelightsoffwhenhavingsex.Hewasembarrassedandscaredthathecouldn'
tpleaseher,sohealwaysusedabigdildoonher.Alltheseyearsshehadnoclue.Oneday,shedecidedtoreachoverandflipthelightswitchonandsawthathewasusingadildo.Shesaid"
Iknewit,asshole,explainthedildo!
Hesaid,"
Explainthekids!
4.Ahusbandexclaimstohiswifeoneday,"
Yourbuttisgettingreallybig.It'
sbiggerthantheBBQgrill!
Laterthatnightinbed,thehusbandmakessomeadvancestowardshiswifewhocompletelybrusheshimoff."
What'
swrong?
heasks.Sheanswers,"
DoyoureallythinkI'
mgoingtofireupthisbig-assgrillforonelittleweenie?
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Canoe.
-Canoewho?
-Canoe(canyou)helpmewithmyhomework?
-Knock,knock
-Merry.
-Merrywho?
-MerryChristmas!
-Orange.
-Orangewho?
-Orangeyou(Aren'
tyou)goingtoletmein?
-Anee.
-Anee,who?
-Aneeone(anyone)youlike!
-Iva.
-Ivawho?
-I’veasorehandfromknocking!
-Dozen.
-Dozenwho?
-Dozen(Doesn'
t)anybodywanttoletmein?
-Needle.
-Needlewho?
-Needle(needa)littlemoneyforthemovies.
-Henrietta.
-Henriettawho?
-Henrietta(Haveyouenter)wormthatwasinhisapple.(这个是因为Appleworm是一种电脑病毒)
-Avenue.
-Avenuewho?
-Avenue(anyone)knockedonthisdoorbefore?
-Harry.
-Harrywho?
-Harry(hurry)up,it’scoldouthere!
-Aherd.
-Aherdwho?
-Aherd(Iheard)youwerehome,soIcameover!
-Adore.
-Adorewho?
-Adore(Adoor)isbetweenus.Openup!
-Otto.
-Ottowho?
-Otto(Idon'
t)know.I’vegotamnesia.
-KingTut.
-KingTutwho?
-KingTut-keyfriedchicken!
(KFC)
-Lettuce.
-Lettucewho?
-Lettuce(letus)init’scoldouthere.
-Noah.
-Noahwho?
-Noah(knowa)goodplacewecangetsomethingtoeat?
-Robin.
-Robinwho?
-Robin(robbing)thepiggybankagain.
-Dwayne.
-Dwaynewho?
-Dwayne(drain)thebathtub,It’soverflowing!
1.Singingintheshowerisallfunandgamesuntilyougetshampooinyourmouth.
Thenitjustbecomessoapopera.
2.I'
mgoingtostandoutside.
Soifanyoneasks.
moutstanding.
3.WhathappenswhentheItalianchefdied.Hepastaway.
4.Iusedtohatemath.
ButnowIrealiseddecimalshaveapoint.
5.WhydidAdelecrosstheroad?
Tosayhellofromtheotherside.
MygirlfrienddoesnotlikemybeagleMolly.SOIhavetorehomeher.SheisapurebredfromawealthyareaandIhavehadherfor4years.Shelikestoplaygames.Nottotallytrained.Haslonghairsoshe’salittlehighmaintenance,especiallythenails,butsheloveshavingthemdone.StaysupallnightyappingbutsleepswhileIwork.Onlyeatsthebest,mostexpensivefood.WillNEVERgreetyouatthedoorafteralongdayorgiveyouunconditionallovewhenyou’redown.Doesnotbitebutshecanbemeanashell!
So…anyoneinterestedinmy30-year-old,selfish,wicked,gold-digginggirlfriend?
Comeandgether!
MeandmydogwantherrehomedASAP!
!
Dadjoke
1
Butdad..."
DidyoujustcallmeButtDad?
“可是……爹……”
“兔崽子你是不是刚管我叫屁股爹?
!
”
2
Heydadcouldyoumakemeasandwich?
Puff!
You'
reasandwich!
“粑粑你可以做个三明治吗?
“吧啦吧啦小魔仙!
你现在是个三明治了!
3
Iusedtohatefacialhairbutthenitgrewonme"
“我以前讨厌胡子现在喜欢了(长在脸上了”
*grewonme是个双关语
PS,解释梗就不好笑了但是不解释又没笑点好苦恼
4
llcallyoulater"
Nodon'
tcallmeLatercallmeDad"
“我等下呼叫你”
“不要!
别叫我“等下”,叫我“傲娇小公举爹地”
5
DadI'
mhungry"
HiHungryI'
mDad"
mserious!
Ithoughtyou'
reHungry"
Areyoukidding?
NoI'
“爹我饿”
“你好饿,我是爹”
“爹我是认真的!
“我以为你是饿呢”
“你逗我玩儿呢?
“不,我是爹”
最后来个大招
That'
swhatshesaid
OMGthisissobig!
swhatshesaid"
Iputtoomuchhairgelonmyhairnowit'
sallstiffyandhard"
NicejobyouknockedmyicecreamovernowIcan'
tgetthewhitestainoffmyskirt"
Iamsoexhaustedfromscreamingandbeingupallnight"
在一个国际学生很多的大学,
Professor:
Pleasemakeyourowncommentstofoodshortageproblemspreadinothercountries.
Africanstudents:
Whatisfood?
Europeanstudents:
Whatisshortage?
U.Sstudents:
Whatisothercountries?
Chinesestudents:
Whatisowncomments?
大神改版(看完简直觉得我这就是高考,阿不,小升初英语改错例题,唉)
Pleaseshareyourpersonalopinionsonthespreadoffoodshortageproblemsinothercountries.
Whatareothercountries?
Whatarepersonalopinions?
中文:
老师:
请对其他国家正在蔓延的食物短缺问题发表自己的看法
非洲学生:
什么叫食物?
欧洲学生:
什么叫短缺?
美国学生:
什么叫其他国家
中国学生:
什么叫自己的看法?
一个澳大利亚人刚到美国,过马路的时候差点被车撞到。
司机对她吼道:
Doyoucometodie?
澳洲人听了,回到:
No,Icamehereyesterday.
这个包袱最早是在《Friends》里面听到的,Rachel讲的。
There'
safamilyoftomatoeswalkingdownthestreet.Thedaddytomato,themommytomatoandthebabytomato.Thedaddytomatoisbecomingmoreandmoreannoyedwiththebabytomato,becausethebabytomatoistakingitstimedragginghisfeet.Finallythedaddytomatoturnsaroundwalksbacktowherethebabytomatois,steps,squeezesthebabytomatoandscreams:
Ketchup!
Willliarsbehonestaftertheydie?
(骗子死了之后会诚实吗?
)
No,theywon’t.Theyliestillaftertheydie。
(不会,他们依旧撒谎。
Liestill躺着不动,依旧撒谎。
sthepoorestbankintheworld?
(世界的最贫穷的银行是什么?
Theriverbank。
(河岸。
Whatmonthdosoldiershate?
(军人憎恨什么月?
March。
(行军。
冷笑话两则:
“Doyouknowwhytheoceanisblue?
“Becausetherearemanyfishesinthesea,theybreathlike'
blue'
'
...”
“Whysixisafraidofseven?
“Becauseseveneight(ate)nine.”
son:
Hi,dad.Iamhungry.
dad:
Hi,hundry.Iamdad.
No,Iamdad.
Iamseriously.
No,youarehungry.
1,Amanasksatrainerinthegym:
“Iwanttoimpressthatbeautifulgirl,whichmachinecanIuse?
”Trainerreplies:
“UsetheATM”
2,Godisreallycreative,imean..justlookatme
3,OpenBooks,NotLegs.BlowMinds,NotGuy
4,YouDon’tKnowSomething?
GoogleIt.YouDon’tKnowSomeone?
FacebookIt.YouCan’tFindSomething?
Mom!
5,Touchitgently,puttwofingersinside,ifit’swideusethreefingers,makesureit’swetandrubupanddown.Yepthat’showyouwashacup.
6,MayIgotothetoilet=I’mfuckingbored.
7,TodaymorningwhenIwasdrivingmyFerrari,thealarmwokemeup
8,Thezooisaprettysafeplacetofart.
9,I`mjealousofmyparents,i`llneverhaveakidascoolastheirs.
10,CanItakeyourpicture?
?
Ilovetocollectpicturesofnaturaldisasters.
11,Theonlyreasongodmadecousinssothatparentscancompareourmarks.
12,Peoplesaylaughteristhebestmedicine.Yourfacemustbecuringtheworld.
13,Whenlifegetstough,remember:
Youwerethestrongestsperm.
14,Marriageisarelationshipinwhichonepersonisalwaysrightandtheotheristhehusband!
15,IreallyneedadayinbetweenSaturdayandSunday.
16,I’mnotsingle,I’mjustromanticallychallenged.
17,Remember,therearetwowordsinlifethatwillopenalotofdoorsforyou.PushandPull.
18,Thosewhosaymoneycan’tbuyhappinessareshoppingatthewrongplaces
19,Whenyourex-asksifyoucanstillbefriendsrightafterabreakup,it’slikehavingakidnappertellyoutokeepintouch.
20,Thinktwicebeforeyouspeak,you’dbeabletosaysomethingmoreInsulting.
21,Ismokeforreligiousreasons.EverypuffgetsmefiveminutesclosertoGod.
22,Ilovemylife,butitjustwantstobefriends
23,Neverhideyour"
lastseen"
letpeopleknowthatyou'
reignoringthem
24,Ihatemaths,butIlovecountingmoney.
First-yearstudentsatMedicalSchoolwerereceivingtheirfirstanatomyclasswitharealdeadhumanbody.Theyallgatheredaroundthesurgerytablewiththebodycoveredwithawhitesheet.Theprofessorstartedtheclassbytellingthem,
Inmedicine,itisnecessarytohavetwoimportantqualitiesasadoctor.Thefirstisthatyounotbedisgust
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